Voldemort Sees a Shrink
by VeggieVamp
Summary: Wormtail tells Voldemort that he has problems. So he runs off to Canada to see a shrink. Extremely random and kinda stupid. Not good with summaries, one shot story.


Voldemort Sees a Shrink

**(Author's Note: This is just a one shot story that popped into my head as I sit in front of the computer, popping skittles into my mouth. Warning: Extreme Randomness!)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters.**

"You should see a shrink, my lord. After all, you do have some serious issues." Wormtail told me as I paced in my office, plotting to destroy Harry Potter. I would have crucio-ed him, but I had to admit that my previous plan of blowing him up with a machine gun was pretty far fetched. The dreams I've had lately were strange too. If it got out that I dreamed about pink unicorns, my reputation as the evilest sorcerer of all time will be ruined!

"See my point?" The rat like man said. I realized that I had just spoken my thoughts aloud.

"Unicorn turds." I swore under my breath. "So, what are you suggesting?"

"There's a wonderful psychiatrist in Canada," Wormtail said, slipping me a business card. I took a quick glance at it.

**452 Free Zing Road.**

**Do you have issues? Need a shrink?**

**Don't worry! Dr. Aigot Esues is here to help!**

**Contact the following number below:**

**1800-not-a-real-number **

I shrugged. It was worth a shot. Even if it meant I had to go see some muggle to tell them my sob story. "What kind of a name is Aigot?" I muttered to myself. Wormtail had already scurried off to book my flight. I shuddered. How I hated public transportation.

****

The next day, I packed and got ready for my flight which is scheduled to leave in the afternoon. I also packed several winter coats just in case. After what I read about Canada, I would be surprised if I wasn't frozen into an ice cube the second I get off the plane.

"The taxi is waiting, my lord." Wormtail bowed to me as I levitated my suitcase down the steps of my apartment.

"What happened to the limo?" I asked, disappointed at the muggle driven vehicle that was parked out front.

"We, er…had to cut funds. The government refused to give us any more money for the 'Kill Harry Potter Project' and Bellatrix bought a Louise Vuitton bag last week." Wormtail counted off the number of Death Eaters that were stealing money from my bank account. "Lucius bought one of those pimp cane things last month, and then Narcissa threw a 'Bunny Appreciation Day' party. She had to hire the Spice Girls to perform there, so, that's all. Oh yeah, and I bought a package of Skittles yesterday."

"This is ridiculous!" I fumed. "Tomorrow, you're going to tell me they broke into my piggy bank!"

"Er…about that…" Wormtail gave a sheepish smile, and then looked towards my bedroom.

"No! You killed Mister McPiggins!" I wailed. "Crucio!" And I left the house, leaving Wormtail gasping and writhing on the floor.

****

The taxi ride to the airport was horrible. The driver rambled on about some muggle things I couldn't care less about. I was slightly disgusted by the dirtiness of the automobile. It was also hard because there wasn't a sink, so I couldn't run off to wash my hands every 10 minutes and 23 seconds.

Finally, I arrived at the airport. I paid the taxi driver two galleons, because that was all I had. He held it up to the light and screamed, "I'm rich! Mwa ha ha ha, I'm going to rub this in my ex-wife's face! Oh thank you so much, weird bald dude in the black dress!"

He drove away, still cackling out the window.

"It's a genetic condition and it's not a dress, it's a robe!" I screamed after him. Then, I shrugged at his weirdness. It was just pure gold. Wizards find them all over the place.

I very nearly missed my flight because they told me no sharp sticks were allowed. I tried to explain that it was a wand, which then got them thinking that I was a mental case. After several tedious hours of doing paperwork and answering questions, I finally apparated myself to the gate, where I would board the plane.

****

The plane ride was long. I entertained myself with reading the latest copy of playboy magazine. Then, I listened to some good old punk music. It was very inspiring.

When I walked to the bathroom, however, I spotted a boy, sitting with several bulky men wearing black tuxedos, who looked like aurors. He had untidy black hair and looked like Harry Potter. In fact, it was Harry Potter!

Before wondering why he wasn't wearing glasses, I pointed my wand at him. "Hahaha, I finally have you now, Potter." I shrieked manically.

"Sir, I will now ask you to step away." One of the aurors told me. Potter looked startled.

"Nothing will keep me away from the destruction of Potter!" I shrieked again.

"I have no idea who you're talking about, but you can have my autograph." The boy said, passing over a photo of him with a messy, scribbled signature. The fame's obviously got into his head.

"Why would I want your autograph when I'm about the kill you right now?" I sneered, and then took a closer look at the picture. The signature read, "Daniel Radcliffe."

"Oops." I mouthed. Then, chuckled nervously as the large men advanced towards me. "I'll…er…just go back to my seat now."

Everybody was staring when I sat back down. Suddenly, another large man, dressed in a uniform came.

"Sir, I've been asked to place you in jail until further notice, for threatening a passenger."

****

When I arrived at Canada, I was placed in handcuffs, and had my wand taken away. It was said to be 'a dangerous weapon'. Then, they drove me in a cruiser to jail. Without my wand, I was helpless, and I didn't know anybody that would bail me out.

"Dr. Aigot Esues is here to see you, Mister…" The officer told me, eying me suspiciously.

"The name's Voldemort. Lord Voldemort." I said, drawing myself up to my full height.

"Er…right, Mr. Lord Voldymort." The officer left, muttering under his breath about the strange names parents were giving their kids.

"It's Voldemort!" I shouted after him.

"Hello, there." A doctor in a lab coat walked and sat down across from me. "I am Dr. Aigot Esues, and I am here to help you with your mental disability."

How strange. I came here to see this doctor, but I get arrested by muggles and I still managed to get a shrink.

"I don't have a mental disability," I informed him. "I am brilliant! I am the evilest sorcerer of all time!"

"Ah, you seem to be convinced that you have…er…how do I say this, magic powers?" The doctor smiled kindly at me. I spotted my wand within reach on the other side of the bars. I secretly reached over and grabbed it.

"I know I am a wizard!" I shouted, "I'm not mental!"

"Do you think the trauma of having such a strange name caused you to have these delusions?" The doctor asked, scribbling down notes on the clipboard.

"You're name is 'I got issues' and you say I have a strange name." I scowled at him. He scowled right back.

"It's AIGOT ESUES. Not 'I got issues'." He argued, but returned to his calmness again. "Why did you threaten Daniel Radcliffe on the plane?"

"Because I thought he was Harry Potter." I said.

"Ah, so you are one of those fans then? My daughter is also a big fan of him," Dr. Esues smiled. "Seems like a case of OPD if I ever saw one."

"OPD?" I asked, confused.

"Obsessive Potter Disorder. It's very common amongst fans, but some of them go too far. Like you. I'm guessing you wanted his autograph?"

"I do not like Potter whatsoever!" I fumed, "And no, I do not want his bloody autograph.

The doctor gave me a disbelieving look before jotting down more notes on his clipboard. "Are you sure you are not -"

He didn't finish however, because at that moment, I pulled out my wand and yelled, "Avada Kedavra!" at the shrink, who dropped to the floor. I apparated out of the cell and into my apartment in England, wondering why I didn't just apparate to Canada in the first place.

"My lord! You are back! Did you bring me a caribou?" Wormtail asked, as he scurried to take my coat.

"No, Wormtail. The shrink was useless. Turns out I have no problems." I scoffed, and then I had to run to the bathroom to wash my hands again.

"Have you ever considered that you have OCD?" Wormtail asked as I scrubbed at my hands furiously.

"What's that?" I asked, making sure my hands were covered with soap before rinsing them.

THE END

(**A/N: How random was that? Pretty Random, right? Now see the review button under here? Just click it and review!)**


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